Relationship bubblegum cards

There’s a great scene in City Slickers where the fellas are sitting around talkin’ baseball and Helen Slater’s character can’t understand why men spend so much time talking about baseball rather than about more important and interesting things, such as relationships. Bruno Kirby’s character retorts: “if [relationships] were as interesting as baseball, they’d have cards for it and sell it with gum.” Being a numbers guy, I decided to brainstorm what stats would go on the back of relationship bubblegum cards, if they existed…

• number of times looking directly into each others’ eyes for 5+ seconds
• number of times holding hands for 5+ seconds
• number of times kissing for 5+ seconds
• % of fights that were about something actually worth fighting about
• number of gifts given for no reason
• number of times letting each other down
• number of good compromises made
• number of significant secrets kept from each other
• % of conversations completely listened to
• number of times making each other feel special
• number of foot rubs given
• number of times doin’ it

Are you a relationship all-star? Or at least a quality starter? Or do you need more seasoning in the minors?

While I’m at it, here are stats for a few more things that don’t have bubblegum cards…

Congressman Performance (these are serious, since Congress is enough of a joke already)

• bills authored/co-authored
• bills authored that were signed into law
• federal dollars brought to district/state
• dollars saved
• cost of running office
• constituent communications answered
• floor votes cast
• floor votes missed

Sitcom Quality

• number of jokes that actually work
• % of the 22 minutes spent laughing really hard
• number of clichés/stereotypes
• number of jokes stolen from other, better sitcoms
• % of regular characters that aren’t formulaic
• number of spit takes

Job Satisfaction

• % of meetings that were completely useless
• number of other people’s messes cleaned up
• number of laptop crashes
• % of the time the soap dispenser in the restroom is empty
• number of times having to ask for something simple to be done right
• time spent on monster.com
• number of jerks/morons dealt with regularly
• number of evenings finished with bourbon

Gym Quality

• % of plates and free weights that are stored in their proper location
• average wait time for a piece of equipment
• number of treadmills that actually work properly
• average room temperature and humidity during summer
• number of TVs
• % of spin cycles that are locked up from rust
• number of times you have to wipe someone else’s sweat off of a machine
• average distance between participants in group classes
• number of similarities to a prison yard

Cat Owner Performance

• number of times you forgot to feed her
• number of times you pet her without her having to rub up on you
• average time between litter box cleanings
• number of times you use her as a pillow/stole
• number of times you wonder why you still have her

For the record, this post was not a ruse just to share that cat video. But if it were, it would’ve been worth it.